Assassins Fail
by Morcianhero
Summary: Altair misses the haystack...Ezio tries to poison a brute...and more
1. Leap of fail

Altair sat perched at the highest point of the city of Acre, he closed his eyes and let the strong gusts of wind blow his hood in a gentle manner. Whenever he was in Acre he always made sure he watched the sunset, it was simply breathtaking.

He sat on that roof till the sun was all but visible, he stood up, and looked down at the street below, he located a conveniently placed hay stack just next to the building he was resting upon.

He dived, he watched as the world grew closer, his eyes never leaving the hay stack, all was going to plan.

Until.

"Hey Isaac, bring that hay to the horses!" a skinny man ran out and grabbed hold of the cart, and tugged it away into the stables.

"shit" was all Altair could say, before he met his fate to the hard concrete below.

-

c'mon, Altair had it coming! We all knew that one day he'd miss that haystack, or run into one of those tents on the rooftop and find there were two people inside making out. No? just me :/


	2. cheap poison blade

Ezio walked down trough the crowd with stealth that had taken years of practice. His plan was to poison the Brute, and he would go berserk and take out the rest of his team, leaving his assassination target out in the open.

He silently pushed people aside as he got closer to his 'pray'. He flicked open the poison blade, made for him by his friend Leonardo Davinche. He dabbed it in the pot of poison, quietly making sure he was putting exactly the right amount into it.

He was ready.

He started to speed walk, getting closer to the brute. He readied himself for the attack. His hand moved in for the kill.

_Clang_

The blade made contact to the brute's armor. Ezio growled, and jabbed it in harder.

_CLANG_

He froze as the noise of the impact alerted the Brute. The Knight turned around to Ezio, overshadowing him, the tall man let out a growl. Ezio's knees buckled, he quickly tried plunging the blade in repeatedly.

_Snap_

Ezio looked up as his broken blade hit the ground.

"That's just made you mad hasn't it?"

The guard nodded, tightening his grip on his weapon, and then he swung his bastard sword at Ezio

He was going to kill Leonardo.

-

I would like to thanks Vampuric Spider for giving me the idea to make this, I just hope it's what he had in mind for his poison idea. If any of you have an idea, tell me it and I'll see what I can do


	3. the two other people on the bench

Altair Leapt from one building to the next, his last assassination has caused the guards to chase after him. He narrowly dodged an arrow that flew past his head, one of the soldiers was catching up to him.

"You are right to run! The last person I put in the cell was eaten by rats!" Altair laughed, and turned back to look at him while running.

"Hah that's what I will do to your dead corpse!"

His laughing was cut short as he ran off the side of the building. Luckily for him their was a haystack below.

Altair spat out bits of stray straw (try saying that three times) as he hopped out of the cart. He couldn't see any way of getting back up to the rooftops quick enough to escape, he was going to have to run through the streets.

-

Isaac idled the ring in his pocket, sat next to him on the bench was his lover, and hopefully after his proposal, his wife.

"Listen. Ann" she turned to him. He swallowed hard and prepared to say the three big words

"I love you" she smiled and her face moved closer to his, he did the same. Racket could be heard nearby

"Excuse me. Coming through. Pardon" Altair pushed people aside as he tried to escape the guards, he looked for a place to escape to, he saw a bench nearby, it would have to do.

Isaac was about to kiss Ann. Altair leapt in-between the two lovers, sitting down quickly. The guards ran past not noticing Altair, but stopped nearby to devise a plan to catch him once they found him.

Isaac looked at Altair, he was ruining this perfect moment.

He coughed "excuse me. Could you move?"

"Nope" Altair was pinned down, he couldn't risk been seen.

"There's a bench just over there" Isaac pointed to a nearby bench, again Altair didn't want to risk it.

"No, I'm happy here. Thanks for offering"

"I'm gonna go, see you Isaac" Ann waved as she got up and left. Isaac growled, this man had just ruined his life. He sought revenge

"Hey, you" Altair just let out a grunt

"You look pretty beat, you could use this to pay for some herbs" he handed him the ring he was going to give to Ann.

"Wow, thanks man" Altair completely forgot about the guards and stood up.

"Guards! This man stole my ring!" the nearby guards quickly ran up and grabbed Altair

"Hey!" Altair struggled to get free as the guards took him to the cells, he looked at the man, finally recognizing him.

"…you..." was all he could growl as he was taken away.

-

if you haven't made the connection, Isaac is the man who moved the haystack in chptr1. I feel this isn't as good as my others. The next one will probably be about Desmond. Please give me some good ideas about what to do.


	4. Thou Shalt Hold Thy Gun Thy Rightith Way

This is the idea of both Jay Zero Snake and Carbon 839

-

Ezio Leapt from the paddle boat he had 'borrowed' from a one of the civilians of Venice, he just hoped that guy could swim…

_By the Grand Canal_

"Look daddy, I got a fishing rod!" an innocent five year old boy screamed in delight, clapping his hands while doing so.

"That great son" the father patted his son on the head.

"So are you going to use it junior?" the boy hastily nodded, throwing the line into the river. He waited patiently for about five minutes or so before something tugged on the hook.

"I got something Daddy!" he exclaimed, he pulled vigorously on the pole, reeling it in.

"C'mon! Pull Isaac!" with one final pull the catch landed straight by the innocent boy's lap.

It was the corpse of the man Ezio chucked off the boat

_Back to Ezio_

He hopped silently across the market place, aiming at his assassination target, he raised his arm, which carried his newest weapon, a small gun attached to his hidden blade.

He aimed carefully, his eagle vision gave, which gave him the aura of the person, helped him keep watch of the man as he weaved in and out of crowds.

_BANG_

Ezio flew backwards, straight of the building.

He lay on his back, trying to retrieve his thoughts

_Had he had the gun on the wrong way?_

He looked at his fighting hand, only to realize it was halfway across the street.

He put his head back down on the ground

"Fuck"

He was **so** going to use that arm to beat the shit out of Leonardo.

-

Incase you didn't work it out, the five year old kids name is Isaac junior, after his ancestor, Isaac. Give me more ideas please, I'll try and get them done. Next I'm going to do both lolcats-r-hot and White Lioness Tina's idea


	5. move fatty, get out the way

Altair climbed up the tower, his breath was heavy. Back in the Holy Land buildings had never been this tall. But here in Cyprus, building literally touched the sky in his mind.

Altair sighed, around three guards stood at the top of a nearby tower, he didn't want to have rocks pelted at him again. He gripped the wall he was on harder as he loosened his feet from the wall, he quickly kicked off the tower he was onto the neighboring tower. He waited for a few seconds to find out if the guards had noticed him.

He smiled in relief as know commotion was made from his jump, he was unnoticed.

He scaled the tower like a…like a really fast building climber.

He counted the guards, there were three. The one closest looked a little…ummm…overweight.

Flab rolls were spewed out underneath his chain mail, which look like it was going to shatter around his large waistline. Altair almost felt sorry for the poor man, he was sweating vigorously in the heat. He would put him out of his misery first, then he would move on to the rest of them.

He grabbed the man and tugged at his shirt in an attempt to pull him over the edge.

To no avail.

The man was far too heavy to move. He put a second hand on the shirt and pulled. He let out a 'umm' and he tried his best, he sighed as he could not do it. Altair pulled harder still.

Altair slipped, and in a panic he grabbed the first thing he could reach. The man felt something tugging at him, he turned around to see Altair. Altair paled as the man gave him a wink, it was an odd reaction…wait what was he grabbing on to. The only thing Altair could think was _oh god_.

He had grabbed the man's ass.

"So...want some more of that action"

It didn't help how this man was clearly gay.

Altair wasted no time in trying to dispose of the man. He plunged his blade into the mans gut.

All went silent for a moment

Nothing happened.

A sound that was like glass shattering exploded through their ears

That flab had shattered his blade

He gulped as the flab wobbled from the impact, smacking him in the face, ultimately pushing him off the building

"fuuuuccccckkkkkkkk!!!"

He tried to aim himself for the nearest hay barrel. A man came running down the street pulling a cart of rocks. Altair growled

"Isaac"

The man quickly swapped the hay for the pile of rocks, Altair let out a yell

"I hate you! You son of a-" he never got to finish as he made impact with the jagged rocks.

Isaac just walked of, that's what he gets for ruining his perfect moment.

-

Yes Isaac is a stalker! This is Secret Capulet's idea (Fat dude) and Carbon839 (rocks) idea


	6. Vidie's a perv

Vidic sighed for the seventh time this hour as his latest subject refused to get off the table.

"Mr. Miles" he slid his hand along his balding scalp "this is routine inspection for all subjects used at Abstergo"

Desmond , who was in possession of a chair let out a whine and replied

"Get the fuck away from me old man!"

"Mr. Miles! I do not want to do this anymore than you do! Now please get down from that table!"

Warren then stepped forward only to be attacked by Desmond

"stay back, I'm trained in the art of chair-fu" Vidic crossed his arms

"oh really?" he then kicked the table Desmond was standing on sending it on its side, along with Desmond.

"look why don't we get this over with?" Desmond then tried to get up, but was held down by Vidic, but Desmond still continued to struggle.

"look if you do this for me, I'll let you screw Lucy" he stopped struggling

"seriously"

"till every drop of semen has been cleanse from your testicles"

"fine, let get this health checkup over with"

Vidic smiled.

It was easy to know what pushed people's button when you watched them shower through CCTV.

_I'm a dirty old man_

-

ok that last line was Vidic not me, cause I'm hip dude! Not an old man. Anyway, I'm sorry for the delay, my school work was goin way ofcourse, but now its nothing but A's and B's , its all good, so expect another one of these in a couple days… I'M BACK BABE!!!


End file.
